Separation from a relationship with God is by far the most frightening experience a Christian can go through. You begin to question everything. Am I really saved? If I were to die right now where would I go? Was I ever saved? Do I really know God? Was I truly hearing Him speak to me? How am I certain He is Truth? I began to question everything I knew about myself, the Lord, and my marriage in June 2015, when I chose to step outside of my marriage. It was as if I had a moment of being in the Garden of Eden, I kissed him, and nothing happened. I went further, and still I wasn’t struck to the ground by lightening. Why would I want to stop when there was no sign of any consequences? I was in a loveless marriage since the day we said I do. I wanted so badly to have my family together, even if it was at the expense of my happiness. I became pregnant with both of my children before we were married and I decided to make the commitment to stay together even though we were toxic together. So when the opportunity arose after almost 8 years of being together, I took it. There was no turning back after I had the affair. That is when I knew my life would never be the same
After sinning against Him, I felt separated from Him, our relationship had been severed. I could not continually sin against Him and pray He saves me from my awful marriage. My only prayer during those 4 months was that God would have mercy on me and rescue me from the bad decisions I made. I heard Him, every time I went to his house, He told me not to go, but I went anyways. Which only calloused my heart even more, and I began to turn into someone I never even recognized.
At the end of September 2015, my husband asked me if I was ever unfaithful. This was it, my chance to finally unload the heavy weight I carried around for the past 4 months. The Spirit was grieving in me and I began to cry. All I could say is “I don’t want to talk about this”, and I kept apologizing. I needed to face my sin head on. I cried out to Him daily, to make a way for me to leave my husband so I never had to confess. The only words the Lord spoke to me were “confess” and “stay”. So I did exactly that, I wasn’t happy with what I had heard from Him, but I chose to be obedient. It was the hardest choice I had to make because I looked at my husband and despised him. Why would God want me to stay with this man? Doesn’t He want me to be happy? Or should I just stay here and take the emotional and mental abuse? The incessant nagging that I was never enough, never good enough, or that I had not done enough for him was all it took for me to question my own intentions behind every action. I resented him for making me so insecure with who I was. Right after the confession, he asked me about every single detail. After I provided him with enough information to satisfy his appetite, he wanted me. I was a mess, but I felt as if I owed it to him because of my infidelity.
Days after my confession, I heard the Lord tell me to follow Him and to be blameless. I wanted to so badly. The desire to please the Lord was there. However I gave in to my flesh one final time with that man, and after that I stopped responding to him and decided that even though I felt nothing, I would follow Him. I would follow Him and seek Him until I felt Him again.
It was about 6 months that had passed where I believed my husband and I were on the path to recovery. We had good times, we laughed and I actually began to enjoy spending time together. Like a bull in a china shop, when we began to get along, he would knock it all down with his frustration that he was not getting enough of me. He would tell me if I didn’t sleep with him, I was driving him to be the man he used to be. He wanted to go sleep around and I made him want to. I had heard it plenty of times before so the manipulation didn’t take hold of me as it used to. Then one evening in March, he asked if I was unfaithful since my confession in September. I had to be truthful, so I let it out. No holding anything back anymore! He was furious, he yelled at me, told me he wanted to divorce me and then he left to get a beer. I was numb. I didn’t feel happy or sad, I just sat in bed and begged God that he would leave me because I no longer had the strength to walk away. When he returned he sat down and stumbled on his words and then confessed something I had waited almost 9 years to hear. He was never faithful to me. Our entire relationship was a lie. He had been with multiple women and took his guilty conscience out on my lack of self confidence.
Why God? Where are You? Why would You allow this to go on for almost 9 years? I always had a feeling he was up to something but could never prove it. After I had my daughter, he left us just about every evening to go out. It was the inception of all our arguments. He was around for the bare minimum until she was about 4 years old, and later told me to stop being bitter for who he used to be. I felt guilty for the grudge I held against him. Those were some of my darkest days and I ran into the arms of my Father because of him. For that I am grateful. In the coming days, his lies began to unravel, his manipulation tactics no longer had a hold on me and I began to question the past 9 years of my life. I was angry. Angry that God told me to stay with him and I had no intention of speaking to Him. I didn’t pray for almost 2 days after, because I wasn’t ready to hear what He would tell me to do. I didn’t want to hear Him tell me to stay another day in that hell of a relationship. When I finally broke down to Him, He began to reveal so much to me. He never changes. He gives one command at a time. He then waits for obedience and when you get to the next point, He will give the next command. He will make my paths straight and in the middle of all the lies I was facing, there was only one thing left to do: cling to the truth. What does He say about me?
I am loved. He loved me enough to die for me. (1 John 4:10)
I am His child. (John 1:12)
He is my Creator and He made me who I am and He will use this situation to glorify His Name. (Isaiah 43:7)
He is my strong tower. (Proverbs 18:10)
He is my shepherd, He will see to it that I have rest in Him. (Psalm 23:1-2)
He will heal me. (Hosea 6:1)
He has yet to let me down, so I will continue to cling tightly to His promises.
I have forgiven him. It doesn’t hurt anymore. I don’t feel sad or angry. I gave it to the Lord when He told me to walk away from my marriage. If Jesus can forgive me for all I have done, I can forgive him for all he has done. My God has a bigger plan for me. Sometimes we go through these trials in our lives so that He can bring us closer to Him. So we seek Him. So we find Him and know Him so intimately. Even when the enemy still tries to tell me I am not good enough, He is there to remind me that He loved me enough to die for me, and through that He made me His daughter. I am the daughter of the Most High God, no matter what the enemy tried to do to separate me from my God. Nothing can separate us. I am His and He is mine.