Death. It’s something that has always frightened me. Just thinking of death has brought about tears, anxiety, hyperventilation, and my mind wanders into the “what ifs” of how my family will continue on without my existence. I’ve never been someone who could just be “at peace” with dying. I’m sure I am not the only one out there who wonders what it will be like. Will it hurt? Will I know I’m passing? Will I have a panic attack? Am I just freaking myself out thinking about this for absolutely no reason at all? Probably. I’ve been blessed thus far not experiencing much death in my family. My family members who have died have lived long and happy lives. Even our animals have lived far beyond what one would expect an animal to be capable of living. So why is the anxiety so present in my life regarding a topic that I should be secure in? Is my anxiety the result of my lack of faith in my Creator? These are questions I struggle with on a daily basis. I trust God, I know he has something planned, greater than my mind could ever imagine, but I still doubt. I’m not going to pretend to have all the answers, or that I don’t get scared of the unknown just because I am a Christian.
A few days ago I was playing with my son on my bed. I would toss him gently on the bed, and he would jump from the bed into my arms. As he was jumping into my arms, it occurred to me, This boy knows without a shadow of a doubt that I will catch him. That’s it! He doesn’t say, You told me I couldn’t have a cookie the other day, so now I don’t trust you anymore. He doesn’t question why he should trust me, he just does. He knows that even though mommy can tell him no sometimes (for his own good of course), mommy will always be there to catch him when he jumps. So he does. He jumps with enthusiasm every time off of the bed. I want to have that kind of faith in my God. I know His character. He hasn’t answered my prayers in the past, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t for my own good. He was just telling me no, I have something better planned. If you jump, I will always catch you.
I’m going to be real, and honest. Death scares the pants off me. That being said, because it is something that I struggle with, it is something I need to face head on, and pray whole heartedly about. God has ordained EVERY SINGLE DAY for me. I won’t live one day less than He has planned, or one day more than He wrote in the book of life. He won’t rob me of my days, and he surely won’t rob me if He decides to call home a family member or friend sooner than I expected. Jesus Christ conquered death so that I don’t have to be afraid of what happens after I die. Even if the way I die is painful, scary, or terrifyingly inhumane, I must have faith that my Creator will be waiting for me on the other side, arms open wide. No amount of physical pain can compare to the glory I will experience in Heaven. I don’t have all the answers, but He does, and no matter how scared I may be, all I have to do is have faith!