Just about every time I go on vacation I have to say a prayer and have a pep talk with myself just so I may mentally prepare for situations that quite possibly could send my heart rate sky-high. Since I was little, I have always thrived on a consistent schedule, waking up early and having my tasks for the day planned out carefully in my head all before 7am. When I was 23 I was diagnosed with a mild case of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I was devastated and thankful to have these results because now my whole life made a little more sense. My depression, my anxiety, and so much more, it all came together. PCOS is a hormonal disorder, which has a variety if symptoms related to it. (For more information, please click here.) There were so many thoughts racing through my head after finding this information out. I was mainly thinking now that I know, what am I going to do with this information? I needed to help other women who were going through this as well, which is exactly what I do. Since having PCOS, I feel extremely blessed that I was able to conceive, and for that I thank God, I know He had a plan for this obstacle.
I had plenty of anxiety attacks before having children, some were bad, others I could just exercise off, which led me to believe I had them under control. As long as my schedule was in order, I had no reason to panic, I needed to be in control all the time. However, once I had children, I realized these little people messed up my whole schedule, and the loss of control began! It was so scary, and filled with panic attacks that occurred daily. It is extremely difficult for me to have these little human beings that I carried for 10 months, defy me and my schedule and actually CHOOSE to exercise their free will (sarcastically of course!). My anxiety is mainly triggered by too much needing to be done with never having enough time to complete everything. I also know that I have a particular way of doing things and I know exactly how long it will take me per activity, so if someone derails my plans it is almost the end of the world as I know it. (dramatic, yes, at least I am honest!) I take my work extremely seriously, and I don’t like to be late. Ever heard that saying “If you’re not early, you’re late.” Yeah, that’s me! I even find myself holding others accountable for being late when we are only 5 minutes away from our scheduled time, and that has to stop!
Lately, I am trying to deal with this anxiety of my never-ending to-do list by purposely not do things to see how I survive. That isn’t so bad, right? It is much harder than one would think! It is almost impossible for me to not make the bed before I take my daughter to preschool, because then it becomes a bit of a domino effect as to why I can’t do other chores. If I don’t make the bed I can’t set clean laundry on the bed to put away, and if I can’t put laundry on the bed then I can’t start another load of laundry yet. If I can’t start a load then I am wasting time not doing laundry while cleaning the house because that is just more work I will have to do later by doing them separately, and well, you see where this is going. It gets a bit ridiculous at times. So here I am, not making my bed on vacation, and telling myself that no one really cares anyways if the bed isn’t made. I waited it until the last day of my trip to make the bed, where others were questioning why I chose to make the bed now, I was finally able to exhale because it was finally done. I did it for me, to satisfy that little bit inside me that feels I went way too long. It is not just about making the bed, it’s so much more than that.
I believe my daughter is one person who helps me learn something about myself every day. She is so carefree and can be laid back about everything we have to do in life. There are no time constraints with her, a vacation is really a vacation, which means she is on vacation from cleaning up after herself at all costs. I love listening to her stories of how she views this world, it’s huge, there is so much to do, and the best part is we have all day to do what ever we want! She is teaching me to not be so schedule driven for every little thing, some days don’t go as I planned. This trip was an eye opener for me, even though my anxiety came with me, I didn’t allow it to make its way into the driver’s seat. It lurked around me as if it was waiting for me to just cave and give in to it, disregarding all the hard work I have put in so far to tame it. I just didn’t let it win this time. My anxiety is not coming with me next time! I am leaving it, and I refuse to let it follow me to my destination.