Tags
anxiety attacks, Child Custody, divorce, Faith, Family, Jesus, kindness, Love, narcissism, Parenting, Peace, PTSD, trust
Here I am sitting with my children for the next three weeks as they are out of school. I am honestly loving the extra time that I am getting with them, I mean who doesn’t love getting jammed in their side with their son’s feet as they are trying to type? It’s great, everything is great!
I came home Friday March 13th asking my husband, “do you think I should go grocery shopping tonight?” A part of me thought, nah, we can just go early tomorrow morning. Then I started to think, with all those empty shelves, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to brave the stores a day early. I grabbed my earphones and headed out the door. When I walked in, I assumed my place in line with my cart to grab a sanitizing wipe, and proceeded down the bare aisles. No bread? Hmmm, ok, I’ll get that somewhere else. No canned fruit? Alright, now I am getting frustrated. Then I came across my low carb tortillas, score! Turkey hot dogs?! It’s my lucky day! I couldn’t believe all the hidden treasures I ran into that no one was buying. (Maybe there’s a reason??) Except when I went into the cereal aisle. Cinnamon Toast Crunch?! How is that THE ONLY CEREAL LEFT? In utter shock, I grabbed a box, but honestly couldn’t understand how there was only Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Honey Bunches of Oats left. Disappointed in people’s taste in cereal, I continued my shopping. Everyone seemed to be in good spirits, polite, and not pushy, but I had music in my ears so maybe everyone seems nice when you are jamming? Either way, I headed for the checkout, waited about 10 minutes in line then left for home.
When I was informed that my children’s school was closed, it didn’t sink in. It hit me that I had to contact their dad, ugh, he’s going to make life miiiissserrabbllee. I just know it. Adjust your expectations, and send the email, he will make life harder, deep breaths, aaannnddd send! I sent the email and breathed a sigh of relief, done. When I received his response it was exactly as I predicted, I giggled to myself, of course he doesn’t want to make my life easier. I took another breath and proposed a change to the schedule that could benefit both of us.
What are some things you can do during this time to make life easier parenting alongside a narcissist?
The most important thing I have learned here is to ADJUST MY EXPECTATIONS. Expecting them to behave this way helps prepare your brain for the worst. If I still have a little bit of hopefulness that he may change, I am setting myself up for disappointment, anger and frustration. We already know that they enjoy making our lives more difficult in general, but especially in these situations, it only adds further chaos and uncertainty to our lives. The sooner we adjust our expectations, the more control over our responses we will have. You can anticipate how to adjust your schedule accordingly and what your response will be.
Be flexible. As frustrating as he is when it comes to schedules, I always do what I can to remain flexible. I know that he won’t ever be flexible with me, but that WILL NOT change who I am. What are my non-negotiable’s for schedule changing? What am I okay with changing and what am I not? If you can walk away from the situation with your integrity, you have not compromised yourself, and you have won. The narcissist wants your to act out of character to point the finger immediately, and say SEE! It’s you! Don’t give them one helping hand in your character assassination.
Do not allow yourself to go down the rabbit hole. For most of us, we are concerned about how the other parent chooses to parent our children, or chooses not to parent. Since most of us already struggle with anxiety, and not knowing what will happen. The best thing you can do is keep yourself busy when you don’t have your children. Go on walks, workout, journal, paint, read, clean the house, do something that keeps your mind positively active and off of what your counter parent may or may not be doing.
Detach from the media. Who else out there is trying not to freak out about their job? I have gone from one end of the spectrum to the other, freaking out, and trying to think of other ways I can make money other than going in to work! I am self employed, so when I am not there, I am not making money, BIG PROBLEM. However, we have an even BIGGER God whom I trust in fully. So not listening to every up and down the media presents to us, but fully resting in WHO the Lord is and His promises will help a lot.
Lastly, enjoy your kids! If your kids are old enough to remember this time they spent with you, they will remember how much fun they had doing dance parties, going on walks, jumping on the trampoline together, playing in the yard, watching a movie, baking cookies, or even cooking dinner. They want us present. Let’s be present for them as best we can, and if we can’t, it’s okay to turn on the tv for a movie so you can have a break. When we all get back to work, remember this time off when you need a day off!! (Isn’t it weird that when we are working, all we want is a day off? Now that we are off, all we want to do is go back to work?)