Now that I am fully aware of having been married to a full blown narcissist, how am I going to co-parent with him? I am learning how to effectively communicate with someone who has no intention of ever allowing circumstantial peace in our lives. Someone who needs control over every person in his life, whether I play an active role or not anymore is of no importance to him. His job now is to poke, antagonize and try to stimulate any kind of reaction possible from me in every email he writes. How will I manage to keep my peace? How will I manage to keep my composure? Every thing I say to him is twisted, manipulated and turned back around on me to make me appear unreasonable and uncooperative.

We had our third court hearing scheduled, and I knew that there would be some underhanded dirty trick somewhere, so I trained my body, mind and soul for what was to come. The only difference was, I did not have my attorney, I was at a loss financially with how much I was drained last year. I could not do this again. Last year my attorney fought for my kids and showed our judge that he was abusive to our son, and our judge found him lacking credibility, not once, but twice. Favor was on our side. So going to court against the narcissist required massive preparation and focus. I worked with a life coach who helped me with my confidence, I must have read every blog about going to court against a narcissist, watched YouTube video after video of how to represent yourself in court, and more videos of attorney’s who gave their opinion on cases. I asked questions when I could, and received positive feedback. I observed hearings with my judge, and took notes on what she appreciates in court, what she dislikes, and how she likes to operate in her court room. I was familiar with how she handled cases that were similar to mine, and felt confident that when presenting my evidence to her she would fully see him for who he is. The Lord told me going into this, Live by faith, not by sight. Don’t trust your eyes. I was confident God was about to move mountains, I felt Him with me, and I was ready.

I walked into the courthouse the morning of our hearing, went through my typical list of do’s when I sat down. Went over my paperwork and listened to my music that helped me focus on the task at hand. His attorney approached me 15 minutes before our hearing and asked me if I received the Family Court Services report, and since I hadn’t, she handed it to me. I had minimal time to review the report, but I wasn’t too worried, I trusted our judge. She was honest, fair, and very intelligent. I walked through the door to see a different name over her name…what?! Who is this? I thought. My mind went blank.

Our hearing lasted over an hour, and I tried my best to keep my composure until I made it outside of the courthouse. I called my husband, I didn’t have her! I didn’t have my judge! She was gone today. She wasn’t there. She was gone for the day, and we had a substitute judge. She had failed me. A man who knew nothing of our case, and made a decision based on the mediator’s recommendation of 50/50. This man didn’t know the history of the case, the history of the abuse, and most importantly the trail of lies my ex had left all over this case the last time we were here. I wasn’t given a change to go over all the evidence I compiled, instead I was mocked by his attorney for having an overwhelming amount of evidence lodged. I am extremely proud of how I was in control of my emotions the entire hearing, the judge complimented me several time of my use of the phrase our children and appreciated how I handled myself. However, I walked out of that court room, believing I failed my children, I fought like hell for them and I lost. I tried so hard to protect them, and I couldn’t do enough. The system failed me, and I failed my babies.

The grim reality sat in when I got home that their psychologically, verbally and emotionally abusive father now had more influence in their lives. I was terrified. I allowed fear and depression to set in, the enemy had won this battle. I came home and baked cookies, thought about making a pie and what ever else I could think of to fully drown out the aching in my heart. Once again, I found myself yelling at God. Angry at Him. How could You allow this? How could this be in Your will? Why Jesus? Why? I know He has a plan for everything in our lives and will use it to His glory, BUT THIS? He just handed my children to the enemy. Grief engulfed my heart and held me hostage in my thoughts, Where are You God? I need You, they need You, and You told me to live by faith and not by sight, not to trust my eyes…and here we are. How am I going to do this?

The first week without my children home was hard. I woke up at 12 a.m., 1 a.m., 3:11 a.m.you name it, I wasn’t sleeping. I was thinking. Ruminating in the abyss of the should haves, wish I would haves and why didn’t I’s only stole my peace and left me further emotionally exhausted. I cried for days. The only reprieve I had was with my husband seeing a Christian worship band, and was able to worship the Lord in this storm. He’s going to use this. I am certain. People need to be aware. They need to know about the evil that exists in the narcissist, they are consumed by the enemy, and they will stop at nothing to destroy you just like Satan tries to every day.

Live by faith and not by sight. Everything my eyes are seeing right now is making me believe that the enemy has won. It looks as though he won. The enemy is gloating as if he has won. Laughing as if he won, and celebrating as if he won. After Christ was crucified, Satan also thought he won, and celebrated as if he won. But God, God had a different plan for us. I am allowing Him to navigate the decisions we make moving forward, and He is guiding us through it, and through it all, He is God and I am not.

“But as for me, I shall sing of Your strength; Yes, I shall joyfully sing of Your lovingkindness in the morning. For You have been my stronghold And a refuge in the day of my distress.”

Psalms 59:16

“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing.”

James 1:2-4