What exactly is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Key traits of individuals with this personality disorder are having an exaggerated sense of self, lack of empathy, need for attention, arrogant, manipulative and demanding. They believe they are unique and gifted, and deserve special treatment throughout their life. They adore attention. Any time they can be the focus of the conversation or outshine anyone else involved the conversation is a stroke to their ego. They have ongoing fantasies of power, success, fame and control. When I first learned of NPD, I just assumed this person thought very highly of themselves, that he was self-absorbed and arrogant. What I didn’t realize until much later, all of these behaviors stem from childhood abuse, having low self-esteem and extreme insecurity. These exaggerated negative behaviors are to make up for being insecure and to prove to themselves and others they are important.

How does it affect people in their lives?

Most people may not even know they are dealing with someone who NPD. From the outside, this person seems outgoing, charming, charismatic, and pretends to be someone you can count on in any situation. They have the perfect family, the perfect house and the perfect job. Those who have NPD do not even see a problem with their behavior, and thus can go undiagnosed. This behavior in relationships can manifest as verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. They have the need to control their partner, manipulate their partner, and exploit their partner’s weaknesses. Individuals will use a psychological manipulative tactic called Gaslighting on their victims. The term gaslighting comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a man manipulates his wife until the point of losing her mind.

Signs of Gaslighting

You would be surprised that some of the strongest people can be gaslit, I get asked many times, how I did not see it. I’ll explain. Some warning signs are as follows:

Blatant lies- They lie, even though you know they are lying, but they lie with such ease that they are trying to set you up to doubt yourself and your perception.

They will deny they said something, even when you have proof- They will deny having conversations with you or agreeing with you on something, and say you are making it up, or you aren’t remembering correctly. They will ask you to prove that they said it, and even if you have proof, they will deny, or you interpreted what they said.

The slow loss of self- Over time the victim begins to question everything. They question their reality, their perception, their beliefs, and determine they cannot even trust themselves. They begin to take on the characteristics of the abuser, and completely lose sight of who they are and become an emotionally hollow human.

They use what you love against you- Whether it be your job, your kids, if the narcissist knows something is near and dear to your heart, they will find issues with it. It will sound something like “you work too much”, “you spend too much time with your kids”, or “exercise is taking over your life”. If you are not making the narcissist your number one priority, they will try to guilt you into giving up what is most important to you, either that or they will try to take it away to punish you.

Projection- They will always accuse you of doing something that they are doing. If they are cheating, they will call you a cheater. If they are continuously lying to you, they will accuse you of lying.

They say “You’re crazy!”- They will tell everyone they come in contact with that you are crazy and you shouldn’t be taken seriously. They will say you have a mental disorder and cannot be trusted. They do this to discredit their victims to others, and the others will believe they can’t trust the victim to tell the truth.

They tear you down just to build you back up- They will destroy you mentally and when they are finished, they will tell you they are the only ones who love you. They will say they just want to see you happy and they want you to succeed. You begin to believe they are the only ones who care about your well-being. They love bomb you with compliments, and the cycle begins again.

All of the stories I hear of narcissists nearly mirror my own experience, right down to the way they treat their children as well as use them against the other parent. We all have similar stories, with our friends and families in disbelief that this kind of person exists. There are many stories that we share that most are in shock and think we are making up details, we only wish we were making this up. I wish that I had such an imagination to write a thriller like the one the Lord has written for my life. Now that I have educated myself on the type of abuse I endured for 9 years, I praise God that He opened doors for me to leave only 9 years in, there are many that the door hasn’t opened, or their eyes are not open to the abuse. Some that have fallen victim to this abuse for over 20 years, or some who are still in a relationship with someone like this. My heart hurts for those still trapped in a relationship where they are subjected to verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. I used to wish he would have been physically abusive with me on more than one occasion, at least I would have had a bruise to show for it. There are no visible bruises, there are no scars, there is no way to prove that this coercive manipulation occurred. It’s your word against their word, and they have already discredited you to all of their friends, family; and if they were able to get to your friends and family, no one will believe you. For the victim it feels like there is no hope in their life and they are destined to a life of misery.

During this time, my soul was anchored in the hope I have in Jesus Christ. There were very dark days and long sleepless nights, but filling my soul with His word helped me in realizing He HAS A PURPOSE for me. Even when I am enduring an abusive relationship, after the relationship has ended, and parenting alongside a narcissist. If you are reading this, unable to wrap your mind around an individual like this, I get it, I couldn’t believe someone like this existed either. If you are reading this, and all these signs sound like someone you are with, and you need someone to talk to. I am here and I will make myself available for you if you need an ear. God has a plan for your pain, as hard as it is to wrap your head around that, He will use it to save others if you surrender to Him.